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Sunday, October 11th, 2009
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12:43 am - Alone
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Alone.
Well, just me and the cat, who is giving me a threatening look as if to say if I don't stop moving around soon, it'll be just me.
Alone.
It is peaceful, it lets me breathe freely again. Curled up in my bed right now, I like it.
I've spent a great deal of time around people today and there was more than once today where I honestly just DIDN'T want to be alone! But after a long day of people, I wanted to be alone, which took a while to accomplish.
Given my strong need/desire for personal space and time alone, my reaction to my chosen partner could seem out of character. Him I want to touch, him I want to be with, with him I'm still but not alone.
Now that I'm finally all alone, there's someone I want to talk to, someone's voice I want to hear, someone who would be so welcome even if he surprised me unannounced right now.
Alone is a funny thing... for with him I don't feel "alone" but I also don't feel like I have someone else there. It's as if I looked over at him and there was me sitting there. I don't feel the tension, separation and stress that let's me know, "this is me and this is someone else, not me."
Last night that separation existed between us. It was uncomfortable, I didn't like it. He was there and I wasn't alone, I felt his presence as separate and outside of me.
Maybe I should have hugged him when I wanted to, kissed him when I wanted to... I don't know what's to become of us, but I do know that being without him hurts and being near him and having that separation between us, hurt even more.
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| Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
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12:48 pm - Favorite People
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I might have lost my mind and sound like a stupid, love struck teenage girl but I could honestly care less! The ONLY song that works for me today is Carly Simon.
NOBODY does it better!
I'm ready to face the day and take on the world again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best
I wasn't lookin' but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above me
The spy who loved me
Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight
And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?
****The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin'
But just keeps me comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?****
****Oh, and nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby, darlin', you're the best****
Baby you're the best
Darlin', you're the best
Baby you're the best
current mood: Amazing!
current music: Nobody Does It Better :)
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| Monday, August 24th, 2009
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9:33 pm - Behind Bars
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I feel the need to write and without the public forum I often use... but finding words for my feelings is difficult tonight.
I could talk about fear of commitment, worries over what definition of monogamy is being employed, or the general nervousness and excitement at the idea of starting over.
But I'm going to settle for "I miss him." That right there is hard enough to face.
I actually miss him. It is completely different than the feeling and desire I had the past few months and I'm somewhat ashamed of it.
I miss talking to him and hearing his voice. I miss the visions of possible futures talking to him brings to mind. I want his attention and reassurance.
There's no reason I should.
This isn't someone I've seen off and on over the years. Isn't someone already established within the community.
No one I know can vouch for him. I've no prior experience with him. I barely know him!
Then... why do I want him so? And how could I possibly miss him?
The different facets of my personality are in conflict. The voice of logic and reason is trying hard to reign me in, giving me all sorts of reasons why it shouldn't matter, why I should back off, what he's really been doing over these last two days, what *I* -should- have been doing last night, how and why I should keep my head and be reserved...
But I ask myself have those walls ever truly kept me from pain? Oh they've delayed it surely, but it's just as likely that acting in that manner has caused misunderstandings that -brought- me pain as well.
So... for once... can I be... foolish? Can I embrace, indulge in and more importantly ACT on the full range of emotions he inspires?
Or must I cage such things, slowing myself down and putting a wall between us?
I really just don't know.
current mood:  melancholy
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| Saturday, March 28th, 2009
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11:30 am - Whirlwinds
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No idea why I'm feeling so... introspective these days but here I am writing yet another entry.
It helps that I am not back in class or at work yet. In fact, I haven't been ready to pick up my work yet. But I still haven't been interested in games nor the books & movies I have waiting for my perusal.
I want what I eschew most other times -- people. At least it seems like it. I've grown so far away from my "normal" friends. My life will never be like theirs. Once in a while, the thought makes me sad. Usually when thinking of handsome husbands, happy babies and family vacations. *grins*
And then I remember that I tried marriage or some interesting idea or problem is presented to me, or I suddenly find myself with so much work that I have no time for such thoughts and am happy when I choose to simply watch a movie or read a book (which would be most days).
But then, a "normal" relationship wouldn't work for me anyway, would it?
Which I guess is one thing I haven't chosen to write about. The man who blew in like a whirlwind and captured my interest and attention. Even as I was about to provisionally give both to someone else. I haven't heard from dear Tex lately either... which I've done more than note as I would have anyone else.
No, I noticed it, wondered about it.
I don't know if I can do this. In all honesty, it's not that likely *he* could handle this. The idea of another long distance relationship just makes me sigh.
I can admit it. I make for an unstable submissive! Such a relationship does not allow the slight reserve or detachment I use to handle so many other things. And do we really expect someone -else- to keep my active mind calm and reassured? Really?
To hedge, to stay unattached or distant, to play it safe... would be to fight against the very thing I've professed to want!
But then... I've worked too hard to chance having to face the swath of destruction said whirlwind could have on my ability to work, cope, focus...
And then I ask myself will there ever be a time when that's not true? Or will the stakes only rise?
I'm going to face this again sooner or later, if I'm lucky. And now is as good a time as ever... if I can convince myself Tex is worth trusting.
Or at least, that someone is.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Just Like That -- R. Kelly
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| Friday, March 27th, 2009
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5:47 pm - Proud Momma!
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Today was a proud day to be able to claim my children. My son, who had so very bitterly disappointed me the first term, deserves a Most Improved Student award. Two previous Cs went to As, the two Ds, turned into one A and one B. Two Bs, six As!!!
He was disappointed to find he received a B in writing... writing! He expected an A in writing?!?! Everyone had wonderful things to say about both of them at their respective schools. Simone's behavior was considered drastically improved (her main issue) and her math teacher (her least favorite subject) said that she "consistently performs on an outstanding level. Consistent, just like the sky is blue"
Said she wasn't challenged (lol, no reaaaally?) and one teacher said, "she doesn't even belong in the 7th grade does she?" *chuckles* She was SKIPPED to the 7th! When tested (at the beginning of 5th grade) her lowest skill, pencil & paper math was a 8.5 grade level... I could have pushed to put her in 8th grade but they balked at the child starting high school next year. Part of me STILL isn't sure she shouldn't bypass the 8th grade too!!
I only -thought- I was pleased with my progress.
In this tiny little house that's falling apart around me, surrounded by people I don't even WANT to know, where I can walk to the store and pass three cop cars arresting the local drug dealers, with children who can't read/intrepret the damn menu to order dinner when I decide to include them on a trip out... in this hostile environment I am raising a ceramics engineer and a surgeon... a neuro surgeon.
Whatever happens in the business plan competition(s), whatever happens next year or in grad school, whatever happens with me the rest of my life, my greatest accomplishment was deciding I could be, would be, -more- and thus creating children who believe they can be anything.
Dear poor clueless Alex has tried to use me as an example to support his ideas that any programs to benefit African-Americans is wrong, doesn't matter what happened however long ago. The damn man even tried to bring up 50 years of Irish oppression (two generations) as if that could equal over 200 years of subjugation.
....He didn't realize my parents hold university degrees (and forgets also that that's not a promise of wealth). Doesn't realize that whatever the hell I did, whatever dumb ass choices I managed to make, I had a father who said remember the meaning of your name, that even as a -grown woman- it mattered when my Mother got her belief system together... because then, so did I.
Each generation is influenced, greatly influenced, by the one who came before and I fully believe that every time I modify my character in such a way or earn an accomplishment that makes my children proud of me, I am helping to raise children who go out and make me proud.
What better motivation could I be given?
current mood: accomplished
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| Thursday, March 26th, 2009
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10:09 am - Grades are in!!!
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Physics (lights and waves) -- A
Physics (quantum mechanics for engineers) -- A
Defects of solids -- A
Technical Communications -- A
Evaluation & Presentation of Experimental Data II -- A for final labs and final project, INC in the class (woke up too sick to take the final!! Don't know when I'll retake it... some time before 6/12/2010!!!)
Physical Chemistry of Polymers -- B+ (sighs, the final was the same day as the one above but I made it there... considering how foreign the questions felt when I first looked at the test, I should be HAPPY with a B+!)
A, A, A, A, B+, INC.
Six classes, 19 credits... I didn't drop any. I handled the entire term. Fell apart just one day, one very bad day, the last day of finals. I made the conscious decision NOT to go to the EPED final (at 8am) without knowing that the professor would agree to an incomplete because I was ill... and ill or not I knew a.) I had the report to finish for that class (final project -- worth 30% of the grade) b.) I couldn't trust my team mates to do it and c.) I had the polymer's final later that day worth 50% of my grade.
I juggle things often and you occasionally get questions about prioritizing on interviews and such but that's the FIRST time I've EVER had to make a choice like that! I nearly jumped for joy when I saw -INC- as the grade in that class. (the prof didn't bother to answer my email and left me in a state of uncertainty). Without the final, I'd have gotten a C or B-, now it'll be a B+ or A.
A, A, A, A, B+. Know what this means?
DEAN'S LIST!! FINALLY!
GPA:
Overall - 3.4
Goal - 3.6
Required (to graduate with Honors) -- 3.5
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| Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
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8:48 am - A different kind of journal
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Too often, I look back over my journals, my thoughts, my readings and writings and I notice it's only the worst of things that were captured.
Conversely, pictures seem to have only happy, bright and funny moments. It makes me laugh and smile to look over the pictures I've taken and remember some place I've been or see the look on my child's face.
Well, I fully believe happiness is a habit and one well worth developing. So I've decided to record bits of happiness and things I'm thankful for so that the times I review my journal are bright happy times just like when I pull out my photo album.
To start, things I'm happy about:
Getting a B on a difficult exam, I thought qualified for a C when I left.
Joe sending funny Youtube videos. (Dr. Tran!)
The report to consent decree! Thank you God!! She's going to be just fine.
The shining sun and wispy clouds... yay, no more rain today!
And things I'm grateful for:
That report to consent decree! YES!!
That B! hehe
The abilities I have and my new found confidence in them.
Being able to go back to school full-time!
My kids!
And lots of other things, but especially right now, the ability to choose to be happy...
which I'm doing today!
*hums*
current mood:  cheerful
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| Thursday, April 10th, 2008
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2:50 pm
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Maia. What a beautiful, symbolic name! I said that I would keep it either way, and I will. Maia Hamilton ;)
Twas my father that chose my given name and reminded me why over and over again, and I carry his surname.
Seems right, that Maia's surname would be Hamilton. He created her afterall.
Yet, even though he could pick such a name, he questioned my ability to survive!
"After darkness, the sun and after winter follows spring."
Sure, some part of me will wither and die. Like what's left of my ability to trust someone *chuckles*
But I'll survive, no matter what happens with me the sun will rise tomorrow.
How could one give me such a name... and not realize I know that one simple fact.
I'll get over it! That's simply what I do. Not matter what, no matter who, no matter when... I have no choice.
current mood:  blank
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| Saturday, May 26th, 2007
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9:09 pm
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Storm comes and strong wind blows
lines are down and power stops
the sky cries and trees shed their leaves in fear
harsh winds scream and thunder bellows
but the clouds will pass
the winds grow still
and after it is over
silence
peace
renewal
in the distance a bird sings
the clouds part
and once more the sun shines
Even in the darkest storm, know that the sun will shine
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 17th, 2007
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2:45 pm - Love
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I needed one more entry.
I was going to describe just what it meant to me to be "in love", what I needed from someone who "loves" me but I've decided to use another's words.
I"m still looking to find it. Once I thought I had it, and I won't settle for anything less again.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm a woman
Lord knows it's hard
I need a real man to give me what I need
Sweet attention, love and tenderness
When it's real, its unconditional, I'm telling ya’ll
Cause a man just ain't a man if he ain’t man enough
To love you when you're right
Love you when you're wrong
Love you when you're weak
Love you when you're strong
Take you higher when the world got you feeling low
He's giving you his last, cause he’s thinking of you first
Giving comfort when he's thinking that you're hurt
That's what's done when you really love someone
I'm telling ya’ll, I'm telling ya’ll
Cause you're a real man
And Lord knows it's hard
Sometimes you just need a woman's touch
Sweet affection, love and support
When it's real its unconditional
I'm telling ya’ll, oh
Cause a woman ain't a woman if she ain’t woman enough
To love you when you're right
Love you when you're wrong
Love you when you're weak
Love you when you're strong
Take you higher when the world got you feeling low
She's giving you her best, even when you’re at your worse
Giving comfort when she's thinking that you're hurt
That's what's done when you really love someone
I'm telling ya’ll, I'm telling ya’ll
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Sometimes you're gonna argue, sometimes you're gonna fight
Sometimes it's gonna feel like it'll never be right
But something so strong keeps you hold’n on
It don't make sense but it makes a good song
Cause a man just ain't a man if he ain’t man enough
To love you when you're right
Love you when you're wrong
Love you when you're weak
Love you when you're strong (Love when you when you’re strong)
(Take you high’a) when the world got you feeling low
He's giving you his last, cause he’s thinking of you first
Giving comfort when he's thinking that you're hurt
That's what's done when you really love someone
I'm telling ya’ll, I'm telling ya’ll
I'm telling ya’ll that a woman ain't a woman if she ain’t woman enough
(To love ya!)
Love you when you're right
Love you when you're wrong
(To hold ya!)
Love you when you're weak
Love you when you're strong
Take you higher and higher
when the world got you feeling low
She's giving you her best, even when you’re at your worse
(even when you’re at your worst, BABYBA!)
Giving comfort when she's thinking that you're hurt
That's what's done when you really love someone
I'm telling ya’ll, I'm telling ya’ll
*** But I think it was best said years and years ago***
When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothing else
He'd change the world
for a good thing he's found
If she is bad he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down
When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Tryin' to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she says that's the way it ought to be
Well, this man loves his woman
I'd give you everything I have
Tryin' to hold on to your precious love
Baby, please don't treat me bad
When a man loves a woman
Down deep in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playin' him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Lovin' eyes can Never see
When a man loves a woman
he can do her no wrong...
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| Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
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12:35 pm
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I just don't want to let it go. I know I should but...
One day.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
I want you to know,
That I can't let you go.
And you're never coming home again,
And you're never coming home again.
By my side,
You'll never be.
By my side,
You'll never be.
I wanted to tell you I'd changed.
I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time.
But I see you, you see me,
Differently.
I see you, you see me,
Differently.
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
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| Saturday, April 28th, 2007
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1:08 pm
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I know I shouldn't be listening to it, I know! But I understand his plea. I hope his love listens.
I was blown away
What could I say
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?
(well i'll try to do it right this time around)
let's start over,
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.
I've taken all I can take
And I cannot wait
We've wasted too much time
Being strong and holding on
Can't let it bring us down
My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?
Cause it's all misunderstood
(Well I'll try to do it right this time around)
Let's start over,
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.
We can't let this get away
Let it out, let it out
Don't get caught up in yourself
Let it out.
Let's start over
We'll try to do to it right this time around
Its not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.
Lets start over
Its not over
Yeah yeah
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over
current music: Chris Daughtry, it's not over
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| Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
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11:39 pm
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I suppose I should take comfort in knowing that he's going to be ok. He's going to be just fine without me.
I suppose that's the legacy I've left with him. His first set of walls around his heart.
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6:39 pm
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Last night I listened to what Jay said he was giving up. I listened as he called me sweet and gentle, as talked about how well I would treat him. I listened to tell me it was over. It made me feel so cold and alone and depressed to hear that he was giving me up.
I asked him why and he said he felt confused and I think I can understand that. Maybe I've just made things too difficult to really want me like he once did.
He blames himself for hurting me though, something he never thought he'd do. All I can say is how clearly it speaks of my love for him. He could only cause me such pain because I love him dearly. I just wish that wasn't how we chose to confirm it.
He sent me that old profile, the one that made me want him before I ever laid eyes on him. Back when I knew we were perfect for each other. Reading it again and remembering that time I know that I am to blame for the fact he's not with me and everything that's happened lately. I failed him -- and us -- by not doing what I intended in the first place... claiming him and making him mine. The man who wrote that was perfect for me, and he continued to prove that each time we talked. Oh and when he saw me! Such patience and understanding. How did I let him get away? Why did I ever allow this to happen?
He was coming to see me and maybe, just maybe, we could have worked things out once and for all but something he read here stopped him. Something in the pages here said that I didn't want or need him anymore. Something said I was over him.
I don't know what I've written that said something so untrue. All I can do is make sure the truth is contained here this time:
I wanted to see him.
I miss him.
I love him.
And I always will.
current mood: sad
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| Monday, April 16th, 2007
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10:23 am
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Dear God, how things change.
Dearest ***,
I just wanted to let you know... how grateful I am to have you. You are warm and sweet and caring and a thousand other things that I cannot express with words alone. You are a cheery song playing on the wind. You are an awe-inspiring sunset in the South Pacific. You are... amazing. And I very happy that we are together. Very happy. I just wanted to let you know this.
Love,
Jason
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9:53 am
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| What Your Soul Really Looks Like | 
You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or even a completely different life.
You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.
You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.
Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing.
For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust. |
Ok, enough, I'm tired of prophetic quizzes.
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9:32 am - and more quizzes
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Wow.
| The Keys to Your Heart | 
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted. |
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| Sunday, April 15th, 2007
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8:24 am
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He ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it to pieces in front of me in the name of never hurting me again.
That is my reward for saying yes, for being willing to try. That's the legacy he's left me with.
He claimed to love me, want to marry me, need my help to fix things. And he's wounded me deeper than anyone else ever has.
Why did I ever think I could trust him?
current mood: abandoned
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| Saturday, April 14th, 2007
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8:23 pm - Choices -- life is about choices
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I wasn't important enough.
"She was the woman I wanted to marry. I adored her, She meant the world to me. I wanted to be there for her. And I needed her to be there for me. I needed us to work on our problems together. I needed us to... work together."
Words and talk, talk, talk. He's been full of it, for a year and a half. Until I actually believed him, and from that moment he's done nothing but disappoint me. I meant the world to him... yet everything else is more important? He needed us to work together, but he stays where I can't go and doesn't come here. Right.
"I wanted to create something beautiful. I tried. I tried for almost a year and a half. I fought hard. I wouldn't quit.
She did. And I'm not attacking her, but... she quit. As she did many times before. And I guess there's nothing I can do about that at this point. I put everything into this, and I regret none of it. It was worth it to me. At least it was worth it to one of us."
What is this everything I keep wondering! What did he do that was so above and beyond? Just what did he do? He came here so we can start our life together? He came down the first two times I asked? He traveled regardless of the hour because he wanted to be here that badly? He came down so we could "work together" because things had reached critical mass and it was important enough to be dealt with?
No. No. No. And no. But I meant so much did I?
"You failed me. We met an obstacle and you said... fuck it. We can't overcome this. It's over."
He FAILED ME! And cried and complained when I finally started to let it go. And when I reached out, he failed me again.
He told me he knew he could show up at my doorstep and I'd take him in, saying everything would be alright. And he dreaded the day (a few months from now he supposed) when that would no longer be true.
Well, it's here!
I read a quote not long ago which said if you're not first on someone's list, better get off that list. Sage advice!
He's been given the choice more than once, and he HAS NOT CHOSEN ME. Now, he doesn't have to make that choice again.
current mood:  betrayed
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| Monday, March 19th, 2007
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6:41 pm - .....
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Touch me in the morning
Then just walk way
We don't have tomorrow
but we had yesterday
(Hey!)
Wasn't it me who said that
Nothing good's gonna last forever?
And wasn't it me who said
Let's just be glad for the time together?
It must've been hard to tell me
That you've given all you had to give
I can understand you're feeling that way
Everybody's got their life to live
Well, I can say goodbye in the cold morning light
But I can't watch love die in the warmth of the night
If I've got to be strong
Don't you know I need to have tonight when you're gone?
'Till you go I need to lie here and think about
The last time that you'll touch me in the morning
Then just close the door
leave me as you found me
empty like before
(Hey!)
Wasn't it yesterday
We used to laugh at the wind behind us?
Didn't we run away and hope
That time wouldn't try to find us (Didn't we run)
Didn't we take each other
To a place where no one's ever been?
Yeah, I really need you near me tonight
'Cause you'll never take me there again
Let me watch you go
With the sun in my eyes
We've seen how love can grow
Now we'll see how it dies
If I've got to be strong
Don't you know I need to have tonight when you're gone?
'Till you go I need to hold you until the time
Your hands reach out and touch me in the morning
(Mornings where blue and gold and we could feel one another living)
Then just walk away
(We walked with a dream to hold and we could take what the world was giving)
We don't have tomorrow,
(There's no tomorrow here, there's only love and the time to chase it)
But we had yesterday
(But yesterday's gone my love, there's only now and it's time to face it)
Touch me in the morning...
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swirlingtempest's journal